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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Can I Say No to Being Her Bridesmaid?

DearSugar — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Not Into It Natalie need your help. She was asked to be a bridesmaid in her husband's best friend's wedding, but she has no desire to accept the challenge. Since her husband is in the wedding on the groom's side, she doesn't know how to get out of it. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

A friend asked me to be in her wedding. My husband is best friends with the groom, but the bride and I hardly know each other. I feel like she only asked me to fill a hole in her wedding party and I have no desire to take on this responsibility. Not only do I not have the time or money, I'm not this girl's biggest fan. If it was anyone else I'd simply tell her I couldn't afford it, or didn't have the time, but my husband is in the wedding so I feel like my excuse isn't valid. Is there a way for me to say no or am I stuck?

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Group Therapy: Maid of Honor/Bachelorette Party Pickle

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I am having a mini panic attack about my sister's wedding and need some advice. I'm her maid of honor but we don't really get along - the only reason she asked me to be in her wedding is because I'm her only sister. We just had the bridal shower, which was fine except for behind-the-scenes drama with another bridesmaid, but now I'm worrying about the bachelorette party.

I am a teetotaler and will be the only one not drinking at the bachelorette party. Since I'm the MOH, I'm the one who is supposed to plan everything, but I just don't feel comfortable being around alcohol all weekend. My sister and I have a very strained relationship as it is, but I feel like she'd almost have more fun if I wasn't there. Can I back out of the bachelorette party? Would that cause an even bigger rift than we already have? I just don't know what to do!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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You Asked: Should I Forgive Her Insincere Apology?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,
My old college roommate asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding six months ago, and I agreed. Unfortunately, three weeks ago, her mother has passed away unexpectedly. It has been hard on everyone, but especially difficult for the maid of honor; the bride's best friend and a college friend of mine. She's acted as the liaison between the grieving bride-to-be and all her friends. In the time since, the maid of honor expressed in an email to me that she was unhappy with the back seat I took during the grieving period. When I called her and told her I wasn't that close to the bride and I didn't think it was appropriate to get more involved than I already was, she got very upset, started to cry, and told me that perhaps I don't deserve to be in the wedding at all.

She has since emailed to apologize for that comment, but deep down, I know she isn't sorry. While I know this isn't her wedding or her decision, her words were still very hurtful. I know I have to at least keep up appearances through the wedding, but I don't know I can or should forgive her beyond that. Do you have any advice? - Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca,

It sounds to me like the maid of honor let the stress of everything get the best of her, and unfortunately, you got the brunt of it. I'm sure the bride is experiencing overwhelming emotion right now - the sadness of her mother's death mixed with the excitement of her upcoming wedding - but if you feel you did your part to express your condolences and be there to support her, there's not much more you could have done. Sure, there's a chance she told the maid of honor that she was disappointed you didn't take on a bigger role during this tragic time in her life, but you're right, that's between you and her. If you're concerned that could be a possibility, I suggest confronting her ASAP. Let her know again how sorry you are for her loss and ask her if there's anything else you can do.

Once things settle down, I have a feeling this misunderstanding will become a distant memory, but if not, it's completely your decision if you want to end the friendship after the wedding. I wish you luck in whatever decision you make, but remember, we can all say and do things out of character under times of stress - something you might want to keep in mind.

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You Asked: What If I Can't Fit Into My Bridesmaid Dress?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend a year ago and since then I've started graduate school and, sadly, piled on some weight. Unfortunately we bought our bridesmaid dresses a year ago, preweight gain, when they were on sale at Ann Taylor. The wedding is coming up in two months and I'm worried I won't be able to lose enough weight to fit into the dress. What do I do if I can't? - Gained Weight Wednesday

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Gained Weight Wednesday,

You have two months so get on it sister! Stop eating junk food and start eating lean protein, whole grains, and a ton of veggies. Get to the gym every day and stop drinking alcohol until the wedding. If you've gained just too much weight to lose in such a short amount of time, call Anne Taylor and see if they can track down another dress for you in a bigger size. If that's not an option, get a referral for a seamstress and hopefully she'll be able to work some magic on your dress: let out some seams, add in some extra fabric, etc.

If all these options I've suggested won't work for your situation, I'd talk to the bride. Ask her if there's another girl in the wedding that you might be able to trade dresses with and as your last resort, ask her if you can buy a different dress in the same color and style that will match the other girls.

Whatever you do, don't leave it to the last minute - two months is still pretty far away so hopefully diet and exercise will do the trick! Good luck.

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Group Therapy: Dealing With a Bridezilla (and Her Mom)

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My best friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and of course, I accepted without hesitation. The maid of honor and my best friend's mother planned the bachelorette party, but only days before the scheduled party date. The other bridesmaids live several hours away and because of the last-minute planning were unable to come. It also happened to fall on my grandmother's birthday. My grandfather recently passed away with cancer, and since then my grandmother has been having a very difficult time. I felt that I should be there for my grandmother (who is turning 74), especially since this is the first one since my grandfather passed away.

The day of the bachelorette party, my best friend's mom called and asked me to reconsider. She said my friend's feelings were hurt because only two bridesmaids were able to go. She also said that this was a "once in a lifetime" thing, and that birthdays can be celebrated every year. Now, my best friend and her mother are mad at me because I didn't go to the party. Obviously I couldn't control the fact that the other bridesmaids couldn't go. Not to mention, my friend has two bridal showers coming up this month, I assured them I would be at and happy to help with. But apparently that wasn't good enough.

Was I so wrong to pass up on an all-night drinking/clubbing fest for the sake of celebrating my widowed grandmother's birthday? I understand that this was a special event for my friend, but my family is important to me. What would you all do in a situation like this?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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What's the Most You Have Spent as a Bridesmaid?

SavvySugar — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 15:23:13 -0700

It's more than acceptable to turn down some wedding-related events because of financial strain, but during a busy wedding season, costs can add up even if you are bowing out of events here and there. Arriving as a guest can be expensive in its own right, but the title of bridesmaid comes with several additional costs that, according to The Knot, can easily amount to $1,000 or more.

Keep in mind, especially as an out-of-town bridesmaid, that just because you receive an invitation to a sampling of showers doesn't mean the bride expects you to be there. There are happy mediums to be found in managing the many events and your budget, so pick which are most important for you to attend and don't look back!

To see all of our wedding season coverage, check out IDoSugar.

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You Asked: How Can I Say No to Being a Bridesmaid?

DearSugar — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have a close friend who is a guy. Over the years I have become friendly with his wife: We do things together as a group, but I never call her or do anything with her separately. To be honest, I don't care for her very much; she can be rude and very hard to have around. I have recently tried to distance myself from them, but I just learned that they are having a wedding "renewal" ceremony next year. It's going to be a big to-do - the wedding she never had - and she's planning on asking me to be a bridesmaid. I don't feel close enough to her to say yes, and truth be told, I don't want to spend the money or time on such a commitment. But how can I say "no?" I don't think I can use money as an excuse since the wedding is so far away. My husband and I are planning on starting a family; could I use that as an excuse? - Want to Decline Deborah

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Want to Decline Deborah,

If you're not a fan of this woman or don't even consider her a friend, the right thing to do is to say no to being her bridesmaid. Knowing off the bat that your role will feel more like a burden than an honor is reason enough to decline her offer. When she asks you, I think you should simply tell her that you won't be able to offer up enough of yourself to be a good bridesmaid, which is the truth. As someone who's looking to have her dream wedding, chances are she'll appreciate your honesty. To soften the blow, ask her if you can help be a part of her wedding on a smaller scale - ask to read a poem or help take guests to their seats on the big day.

Standing up at someone's wedding is a huge honor and something the bride won't take lightly, so if you don't feel up to the challenge, taking the high road and opting out is really the best thing you can do. Remember that time is of the essence, so don't procrastinate giving her your answer as she'll probably need to ask another friend to be in her wedding party. Hopefully she'll understand.

To see all of our wedding coverage, check out IDoSugar.com.

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Dear Poll: Who Should Pay For Bridesmaid Expenses?

DearSugar — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:00:00 -0700

I think we can all agree that the worst part of being in a wedding is the expense. Though traditionally wedding attendants pay for their own attire and travel expenses, that particular rule has never made much sense to me. Obviously in some cases, especially when it’s a large wedding party, expecting the bride and groom to pay seems unrealistic, but I just don’t know how I feel about this one. Proper etiquette aside, who do you think should pay for the bridesmaid expenses?

To see all of our wedding coverage, check out IDoSugar.com.

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Bride Puts Her Bridesmaids on a Diet

GiggleSugar — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:00:00 -0700

This week kicks off the Sugar network's "Wedding Planning Mania" coverage, which means there'll be a whole bunch of bridezillas up in here. WE TV has a series that follows brides-to-be around town while they hoot, holler, and make a hostile effort to plan their weddings. The 'zilla below ordered all of her beautiful (but "five pounds" overweight) bridesmaids to follow a strict no-carb diet - oh all right, with an itty-bitty spoonful of rice on the side. They've got ugly dresses to squeeze into!

To see all of our wedding season coverage, check out IDoSugar.com.

The How-To Lounge: Saying No to Her Bridesmaid Request

DearSugar — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 10:00:00 -0700

It’s certainly a bit awkward and requires some major tact, but you actually can say no to a friend’s request for you to be her bridesmaid. In fact, if you really don’t feel like you’ll be a positive participant either because of time constraints or personal demands, declining her request might just be the best thing you can do. Though coming right out with “no thanks” may not be the best strategy, there are ways of refusing gracefully. To check out my tips, read more

Don’t leave the bride hanging. If you’re not going to do it, let her know as soon as possible. If you put it off, you'll just feel unnecessarily guilty, and not allotting her enough time to find a replacement could lead to a bigger headache then just being direct.
Regardless of what some bridezillas might say, financial concern is a legitimate reason for turning down the bridesmaid request. Making your friend’s wedding a special day is incredibly important but not at the expense of your own livelihood. Let her know that, budgetwise, you just don’t have the room for this kind of expenditure.
The same rule applies if you’re overwhelmingly busy. Sometimes there are just not enough days in the month, and overbooking yourself will only lead to disaster.
A great way to smooth over your refusal is by offering to take a different role in the wedding. You can offer to be in charge of the guestbook or manage her thank you notes for the bridal shower and bachelorette party.
Above all else, be as respectful as possible. Go out of your way to acknowledge the importance of her day and your desire to be a part of it.

In most cases, even if your friend is disappointed, she’ll understand. And if she doesn’t at first, give her some time. Often the stress of planning a wedding can make emotions run high, so you might find her far more understanding once the vows have been spoken.

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